Dealing with death

Lots of deaths happening around. We are unable to help it. There’s grief. Death shows no bias nor consideration for age, gender, power, value – or anything. We can neither choose when it happens, how happens, or to whom it happens. At times like these, just a couple of things that you might want to consider so that you can help yourself through these trying times:

  1. It’s okay to cry. Let no one tell you and you don’t tell anyone that one should not cry. It’s not only normal, it is absolutely necessary that we give ourselves the liberty to cry it out, if we feel like it. Neither force anyone to not cry nor force anyone to cry. Each person had their own way to grieve. Respect the space. Not crying is not a source of strength nor is crying a sign of weakness.
  2. We usually tend to think of the last moments and feel bad. Think of the good times with them. Recall stories from their life that stand out for you. Share with someone or write down if you wish. But recall all the great stories. Their entire life is always more powerful than their death in a moment. So make sure you remember and recall their life rather than fixate only on the dying part. Replay their life more than replaying their death. Their good stories will inspire you to live your life better. 
  3. Avoid feeling bitter. Death is something that really isn’t in our hands. Death is the only thing that isn’t an “if”. It will happen! We can neither control nor choose when it happens or how it happens! So don’t blame yourself for their death. If their life were to continue it would have. Because their time had come, there was nothing you could do to save them. So don’t go on guilt trips or bitter trips. It’s really not in our hands. It’s okay to feel sad. But bitter makes it worse.
  4. Don’t think of other possibilities after the person dies. It’s only a recipe to make yourself or others feel miserable. The fact that they are gone, no point talking of what you or anyone should have done differently to save them. Ideation to save their life after their death is a foolish idea. This only helps blaming. And blaming doesn’t really help. 
  5. Don’t try to avoid their thoughts, or avoid looking at their photos or anything that reminds you of them. The more you try to avoid, the more it will continue to affect you. Deal with it. Feel the emotions because after some time your avoidance will make it all unbearable. Make your peace sooner than later. Dealing with them on a regular basis helps to reduce the intensity over time. Avoiding it by keeping yourself busy or distracted will make it a repressed thought and feeling which might storm out of you in strange ways and forms when you least expect it – and that too, for many years to come! Someone you loved all these years, doesn’t have to be suddenly forgotten, hidden, or repressed. 

When you think of them, think of their wonderful qualities, their life and how you can carry forward their legacy. May every thought of theirs give you the strength to move forward in life. Even if it is our loss today, we have to remember, we did gain a lot until this point. That’s why we feel the loss. Let us be grateful for all that we gained from them. We will miss their physical presence but if we look within, we’ll find a part of them within ourselves. It’s okay to miss their presence, but don’t miss your life, your duties, and other loved ones around you in the process of missing them. If you ever think you should’ve been better with them in anyway, take it as an opportunity to be better at least with those who are alive and with you now. Lest you regret the same again with others too.

As daunting as darkness might initially be, it’s only a few moments before our eyes adjust to it and learn to see. So, hang in there until you can see!

Before we go inward in pain, let’s look outside and see all the others who may need our love and support. We can’t get back those who are gone. But let’s try and help the rest of us survive and get past this. Individually we may collapse. Collectively we can survive. We need to look beyond our individual pain to be able to rise above the situation and do whatever is required of us at a humanitarian level. Let’s not expect others to be understanding. Let us understand since some are too gripped by fear to be able to do any better. They need even more love!

We shall get past this together! Prayers and wishes for you and your loved ones. Take care!

Narmada

Narmada Rao
[email protected]
12 Comments
  • Mercy Ninan
    Posted at 13:35h, 12 May Reply

    “When you think of them, think of their wonderful qualities, their life and how you can carry forward their legacy.” Only way for me over the lose, luv the way u wrote it
    “As daunting as darkness might initially be, it’s only a few moments before our eyes adjust to it and learn to see. So, hang in there until you can see!” Apt metaphor for me enjoy ur writings keep going

    • narmadarao
      Posted at 13:39h, 12 May Reply

      Thank you so much Mercy! More strength to you help you deal with your loss. take care. You are being an example of carrying forward your inspired one’s legacy. And thank you for your kind and encouraging words always. Means a lot!

  • arulbob
    Posted at 13:41h, 12 May Reply

    It is definitely the need of the hour. And all the five points will definitely help someone who goes through loss. Thank you.

  • shashigulati
    Posted at 13:43h, 12 May Reply

    Thankyou Narmada for sharing your thoughts regarding missing our beloved ones., especially in these days’. Your words seem beam of light in current atmosphere with dark clouds of pain and fear.
    Yesterday I was thinking that many are crying for even not could see the face of their beloved ones , not say something. Let us fill our hearts fill our hearts with love and gratitude so that we could remember only that….. and today you released this blog. God Bless you

    • narmadarao
      Posted at 13:47h, 12 May Reply

      Thank you Shashi ji 🙏 for always reading , sharing your thoughts and encouraging me with your kind words. Thank you. True, a lot is going on right now. Hope things settle soon 🙏

  • DINESH DEWAN
    Posted at 18:08h, 12 May Reply

    Very Graceful Narmada!
    Death is a bitter Truth and no one can avoid it !
    I coorelate this with my Father.Last month my father died due Covid.
    He was a great source of inspiration to all our family members . Irrespective of his health, he was always busy with NGO activities.His never dying spirit , love ,care , affection and cheerfulness always gave us lots of confidence. He always used to say that during tough time Patience is the only key. Today he is no more between us .I am sure his blessings will be always with us. I pray to God to keep him in the way he wanted.
    Narmada you have perfectly wriiten that we should cherish the good time spent with him & at the same time it’s very important for the emotions to come out!
    At this tough juncture, after reading your blog I got mentally relieved.I will try to follow his foot steps and carry forward his legacy.
    Thank you very much!
    Regards
    Dinesh

    • narmadarao
      Posted at 19:07h, 12 May Reply

      Sorry for your loss Dinesh! You have been dealing with a lot lately with the same patience that your father used to demonstrate. Thank you for writing about him. It’s like I see a part of him in how you conduct yourself always! Missed meeting a wonderful man! But glad to know him and see a part of him in you. Thank you for sharing your feelings. May your Father’s soul rest in peace and continue to guide you in every which way.

  • Karthigai
    Posted at 18:08h, 12 May Reply

    Wonderful narmatha mam…..
    Your words will truly bring strength in person….
    Good luck…

    • narmadarao
      Posted at 19:07h, 12 May Reply

      Thank you so much Karthigai. Very kind of you

  • Jayeeta
    Posted at 19:14h, 12 May Reply

    Thanks
    After the loss of my colleague last night due to COVID I was devastated
    She is 7 years old younger to me , mother of a 4 years old child and a good friend and colleague, shared happy memories of fun , food & laughter.

    Thanks for your blog at this crucial moment
    It helped me to rethink in a totally different angle and aspect of life

    • narmadarao
      Posted at 19:37h, 12 May Reply

      So sorry for your loss Jayeeta! May her blessed soul rest in peace. The universe seems to have its own ways of taking care of us and sending us the messages just in time. Take care and prayers for the family and friends.

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